Junkies in God's Land

By: Benjamin C. Dewey

Nine degenerate low lives were taken into custody Thursday morning after a bag of fecal matter was expelled from their vehicle and found its way on to an Iowa Highway Safety Patrol car.

Sergeant James Tyrant said it took 10 miles before he was able to run the group off the road. He claims this was no accident but an intentional act of biochemical warfare in its simplest form.

“The suspects are being decontaminated,” Tyrant said. “It seems as though they had been living in a van for some time now, they all have lice and are suffering from some form of a skin infection similar to scabies. They still have not been properly diagnosed and remain quarantined from the rest of the inmate population.” 

Reports of similar incidences across the state continue to come in since the group has been arrested.

Only 50 miles east at a Safeway in Iowa City, cashier Kelly Lincoln said three of the suspects tried to purchase a bag of feces with their groceries; before breaking the bag over the cash register.

“I’ve lived here for 43 years,” Lincoln said. “This is appalling, those junkie-faggots could have infected me with aids. Here in god’s country, we trust in the lord. I say we string ‘em up by their necks and send them back to California as a message. This is god’s land.”